What Would You Do?

Friday night I was by my lonesome.  DH was trying his luck to see if he could score a last minute ticket to see Pearl Jam at MSG because seeing them twice in one week is just not enough. The only reason I didn't join in is because I was physically exhausted from seeing them Tues and Thurs night and getting home at 1 am on a work night made me realize I'm not 25 anymore. 

Anyway I digress, so Friday night it was just me and Jack, some food in the freezer and Friday night television.  Its a rarity for me to watch live TV.  Ever since we got the DVR (lovely device) we tape everything and usually catch up on the weeks shows over the weekend. Since I didn't want to watch what we'd recorded without DH, I resorted to live TV - commercials and all. 

I came across this program called "What Would You Do?" - it was on ABC I think and it was a hidden camera show where they have actors put in certain stressful situations to see how people will react.  I only caught the tail end where they had an older actress at a pharmacy trying to purchase much needed medication only to find out her insurance no longer covered it and she had to pay $150 or so and didn't have the money.  I was amazed to find that several people offered to help her pay for her medicine and some paid for the whole thing for a complete stranger in distress.  One woman, who herself only survived on social security, gave $20 to help and that just blew me away.

I must say that I am somewhat cynical when it comes to my own human race.  I see us as a people who for the most part destroy, deceive, harbor jealousy and greed and the list goes on.  Watching this show, however, really restored a bit of faith in mankind for me.  It warmed my heart to see strangers helping strangers.

Now if we could just get those drug companies to be a bit more selfless, put aside their greed and see the reality that there are millions of people who need medication that they can't afford, then my outlook might really become sunny.

Unfruitful Sex Just Outside The City

One of my all time favorite shows is Sex and the City.  I used to watch it religiously and one day even went so far as to go on the show's site on HBO just to look around.  While there, I took a quiz that determines which SATC girl you are.  Of course we all think we're "Carries" but I turned out to be a "Charlotte" although I really couldn't see the resemblance.  Well in recent days I'm beginning to feel more and more like Charlotte.  No, I didn't move to Park Ave or convert to Judaism but it turns out that much like her, our attempts TTC are going to require a lot more time and effort than I would like or even have imagined.

I remember the one episode of SATC when Miranda inadvertently got pregnant and how devastated Charlotte was to the point where she was almost cruel.  I remember thinking that she was over-reacting and being a completely unsupportive friend but this was all pre-TTC.  I think some crazy switch goes off in a woman's head when she's ready to be maternal and the greater the time that elapses, the more emotional one seems to get.  I found out this week that a good friend who wasn't really trying to get pregnant is in fact now expecting.  My initial reaction was complete elation for her but trailing right behind the happiness was a cloud of sadness and despair for me and for once I kinda saw where Charlotte was coming from.  I've been taking all the right vitamins, highlighting and counting days on a calendar like Galileo, monitoring all sorts of bodily fluids and at the end of the month get slapped in the face with a BFN.  Don't get me wrong, I would not turn my back on a friend and am truly happy for their gift but I still can't seem to suppress feelings of my own self woe.

I don't know if its some law of physics that seems to magnetically bring all pregnant women walking in my direction or sit next to me but lately it seems wherever I turn there's a bump or a baby announcement in the mail.  Everyone keeps saying "Don't think about it" well that's pretty hard to do when I can't take a step without constantly being reminded of my empty womb.  Most of my friends have all conceived effortlessly which always led me to believe that once we stopped preventing that poof it would happen.  Nowadays I find some solace on infertility forums of others who are struggling but it still doesn't really take the edge off.

I know that in this day and age science has taken the role of God but I sure was hoping to do this the good old natural way.  Although currently our chances of conceiving naturally are greatly compromised, I still do feel hopeful each month.  "You never know" I keep telling myself.  This past month I buckled down and bought an ovulation kit.  I was so thrilled when the little digital screen showed a happy face.  I've gotten so many BFN's that seeing a happy face even if its just for ovulation gave me a sense of hope.

The Cove Secret is Out.

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